flashback

can't sleep.....stomach is cramping like mad.....feeling sleepy yet cldn't fall asleep, here i am...browsing thru my friends' blog and checking on how they have been doing lately....

stumbled across a blog which belongs to a 'friend'. the reason for the inverted commas is that i don't even noe if he's a friend anymore. we are not in any contact anymore and he just suddenly seems vanished into the thin air....not hearing anything from him, not getting any response from him for the smses that i used to type.

often, after reading his entries, i kinda don't feel that he's doing well now....can't help but feel worried for this 'friend' of mine.

sometimes i feel that i worry for people too easily.....even if they are just acquintances................

i;m starting to drift away from my friends....or rather used-to-be-good-friends. due to sch work, commitments and other things. OR mayb i've never been closed to them in the first place? all these good friends whom i used to call......no longer contact me, and i no longer sms them every now and then catching up on each other lives. the best i can do now is dropping by their blogs and reading on how they are doing........

sometimes i wondered, how many true friends do i have ACTUALLY? truthfully speaking, i've no idea. i know lots of people.....i have a long lists of contacts in my msn...but how many of them are my FRIENDS who really care abt me? i wonder wad if one day i;m gone from this world, how many wld actually feel my absence? how many?

i always go an extra mile to help those whom i noe, acquintaces or friends....if it's within my capabilities. but i don't feel likewise when i'm really in need of help.

frankly speaking.....if u ask me who in my mind would rush to me when i'm in trouble, the first person i cld think of is my bebe, then followed by yx, yr and gang. other than my family of coz.

if u ask me who can read my mind like a sheet of paper, i can only think of bebe......

throughout my lives, friends come and go.....who actually stayed? those whom i attempted to hold on to eventually drifted away.......when i occasionally meet up with them, the feeling is so strange that i wld be tempted to get away....they make me feel unwanted and unwelcomed....the smiles on their faces, to me, seems like a mask. they seems like they care, but i doubt they wld remember wad was discussed after an hour.

that's why most of the time i prefer to be alone...talking to my bebe, spending precious time with him and understand him more so that he won't feel wad i used to feel.

it's easy for me to noe people...but it's not easy for me to make and retain friends...i'm tired of trying.....so let nature takes its course.....

sigh...so much is going thru my mind now......and i noe i must sleep now coz my first lesson is 9.30 later in the morning....argh...i wish bebe is here....so i cld just watch him sleep and fall asleep myself eventually.......thinking only of him and the wonderful things that have happened between us since he found me.

i marvel at how i'm able to reach this point of my life...i marvelled at my own eccentricity...i marvel at how i view people now.....am suddenly surprised at how much i've changed all these years bit by bit.