scorpious

Paradox

2011-09-17T21:46:00.003+08:00

What would you do if the person closest to you is so insensitive and time & time again say things which stabs you right to your heart?

Tired of enduring, would you get up and leave? It's easier to be said than done. Often you'll ask yourself, is this really necessary? Once decision is made, there'll not be a turn-back.

Laugh and let it go. Can you still continue?

The doubt still remains and the trust still broken. What is the meaning in all this?

A parodox i would conclude. This, I would say, is a part of a depressing moment.

A leech and not a feng shui thing? You're hated.

Emptiness

2011-01-28T18:39:00.002+08:00

The longer i stay in this place, the more rusty my brain is. I think lesser, brain processes slower now. Everything is revolving around "STANDARD"-ness. No good at all.

Didn't realise this until I asked a supposedly-logic question to a fellow colleague and kena "fucked" in a nice way. But still I get it, it's retard of me to pose such a easily comprehensible question.

Entire week has been bad. Mood was greatly affected. Couldn't control my sarcasm and quick temper towards the contractors. No good at all.

And black coffee consumed today, in addition to insufficient sleep, makes me super duper hyper today. Aiya.

Entire week has been just a week of fighting fire, putting out fire and prevent escalation of the spark of fire. I am becoming skillful in this area. Looking on the bright side, only in such circumstances that I get to learn more and be more knowledgable. Precious. Mine to keep.

Oh well. Whenever I feel defeated, I would get this I-want-to-get-a-real-good-drinking-session feel. And I found a real good drinking buddy who has a great smile! Ha Ha. Simply loving it.

And tonight, I feel like clubbing. Back to the days, when I was still underaged but still managed to sneak into clubs for drinks and grooving to R&B!

Ahh.....

I wanna club again, with the right people of coz! And no bfs!

It's a deep, black Hole

2011-01-13T21:34:00.002+08:00

They say there'll be a light through the darkest times. But they never say how important it is to walk out of the light and be yourself again.

For that, I felt as though I'm thoroughly fucked up. A part of me is smittened by the light......

As I lie on my bed here, these are all I could think of :

1) Fortunately, it was only 30% of me which is no longer listening to my brain
2) Is this really how I should go on?
3) Is this 70% a mistake?
4) Is this a fucking real sign?

It's as though the brain and heart are both disconnected, I am thoroughly confused whether this is just a passing stage.

This is like year 2001 all over again and I remember How I Hated Year 2001 and 2002!

5 years!

2010-12-15T13:41:00.002+08:00

Reading back the posts in the archive, I just realised the r/s is 5 years old! 5 fucking years of trust building and it takes only 3 months for it to crumble entirely...........

The Aftermath

2010-12-15T12:45:00.002+08:00

It seems like when there is nowhere to vent, this place will be "the" place for me.

3 weeks have passed and yet I feel there's a black hole in my universe, swarming over my life, emotion and mood. Everywhere I go, black is what I see. Where is hope, joy and optimism?

I dislike the present me, neither do I like how I've become. Don't ask me why, all I can say is that "that" incident slaps me to reality and it really saddens me a whole lot more. Smiles, laughter and feeling happiness from the heart are drifting further away. Watch comedy and I cry, watch scary movies and solemn is all I felt.

Is leaving all these behind and defining a clear line between us the only way for me to release all this invisible stress I am feeling? And the path to the smily-self again? I tried to ask for your co-operation but all i get is why have I become like this. You tell me then, if you're in my shoes, what would you have felt.

I feel damn pathetic that I have reached this path once again. This felt bitter than ever but at least the tears do not flow anymore.

Give it another 2 months and I'll have my decision, whether it's gonna be a heart-broken one or not. Ultimately, girls need security and assurance, not to mention respect.

back

2009-10-28T00:12:00.002+08:00

I wonder who still checks into this much forgotten personal space of mine. I've meant to jot down unlucky events which adds into the already accumulated mountain of misfortunes this year. However, it's now past midnight and the brain is already on shutting down mode, I guess I'll continue tml. Hopefully.

Before my brain goes into hibernation like the laptop utilising the very last few bits of battery, I wanna write down my hope for this week. Let the next few days be smooth-sailing!

stress

2009-04-16T23:54:00.003+08:00

Jenny Jen Jen is feeling the heavy weight and it's too much to fall asleep. Gotta seek the help of alcohol again. :(

I juz have to start believing in myself again. Since when did i start to doubt my own ability? I have forgotten.....Need to pick up the pieces once again.

challenge

2009-04-12T20:55:00.001+08:00

A Challenge to myself. Pick and ROLL, calm down, slowly look first, weight options quickly, and make a good decision in a swift.

Need to train more on my left-hand and lay-ups. Nowadays, my feel has diminished to obscurity. Where is my percentage?

ups and downs

2009-04-05T22:18:00.002+08:00

When i play ball, my mouth has an automatic zip. After playing ball, the zip automatically disappears and replaced with a heavy heart.

How can I improve? How the hell can a person stuck at this stage for so fucking long? How the fuck can I be at least one notch below my teammates? ARGH! This is so frustrating...the more i try to think on court, the more confused i become. Especially when my teammate shouts at me and i wondered if I'd deviate from the play. And while i ponder, my focus goes astray. I can't multi-task. Sigh. I feel like i'm a typical nerd, who can't play sports but study.

Match clashes with exams. And i have yet to start my revision. Tres Bien! I tot I was superwoman eh? I have to put in double the effort now! Hush! Dun frustrate me! I'm extremely volatile now.

one republic

2009-02-13T00:03:00.002+08:00

Everyone knows them by the band who produced Apologize and Stop and Stare SOngs. WEll, they have other nice songs too.....like Come Home and Prodigal. I would say their singer/vocalist, Ryan Tedder has a superb voice, and this no doubt adds to the element of attactiveness for their music. The more i hear, the more i love! Yea!

"Come Home"

[Verse 1]

Hello world
Hope you're listening
Forgive me if I’m young
For speaking out of turn
There’s someone I’ve been missing
I think that they could be
The better half of me
They’re in the wrong place trying to make it right
But I’m tired of justifying
So i say you’ll..

[Chorus]

Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all i see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
So come homeOh

[Verse 2]

I get lost in the beauty
Of everything i see
The world ain’t as half as bad
As they paint it to beIf all the sons
If all the daughters
Stopped to take it in
Well hopefully the hate subsides and the love can begin
It might start now..Yeahh
Well maybe I’m just dreaming out loud
Until then

[Chorus]

[Interlude]

Everything i can’t be
Is everything you should be
And that’s why i need you here
Everything i can’t beIs everything you should be
And that’s why i need you hereS
o hear this now

[Chorus]

"Prodigal"

We say good-bye
I turn my back
Run away, run away
So predictable
Not far from here
You see me crack
Like a bone, like a bone
I'm so breakable

And I take everything from you
But you'll take anything
Won't you?

Run away, run away
Like a prodigal
Don't you wait for me
Don't you wait for me
So ashamed, so ashamed
But I need you so
And you wait for me
And you wait for me

I'm on the road
To who knows where?
Look ahead, not behind
I keep saying
There's no place to go
Where you're not there
On your rope, I hold tight
But it's freeing

And I take everything from you
But you'll take anything
Won't you?

Run away, run away
Like a prodigal
Don't you wait for me
Don't you wait for me
So ashamed, so ashamed
But I need you so
And you wait for me
And you wait for me

Everybody wants to be right
But only if it's not day light?
I keep trying to find my way back
My way back

Run away, run away
Like a prodigal
Don't you wait for me
Don't you wait for me
So ashamed, so ashamed
But I need you so
And you wait for me
And you wait for me
Runaway
Runaway
Runaway
From you
From you
From you

childhood

2009-02-09T22:20:00.004+08:00

It felt different when I went back. I felt out of place, like there was a vacuum between us. The broken links couldn't be connected, no matter how much i tried. Was it like this all along? How could i only manage to realise now?

People who were viewed as "good friends" become somewhat acquiantances and ironically those who were acquiantances become my better friends. Such wonder! Have I changed a lot? OR have they?

Who can answer my qns? I felt as tho I've lost my identity there. I felt as tho I've totally disconnected from that place. I felt totally lost. This wasn't the first time, yet the first time i felt so strongly and repulsive.

A fine line between the contrastings. Irritating.

the times

2009-02-09T22:17:00.003+08:00

There are times when alone feels the best,
There are times when company fills it up.

Tonight is the night when i need company most.
Who's here?

Such a blue monday to be emo.

days with parents

2009-01-05T15:08:00.006+08:00

My dad just flew back to Brunei. :) The days we spent together was awesome! We went to Jurong bird par, SIngapore Zoo and many other places~ eating and sight see-ing.

And guess what ungraceful sights i saw when i was in the zoo?

A PEE-ing rhino!

Mating season? In the public sia.....

And another happy news! I'm gg back home for the FIRST TIME for CNY! HOOORRAY! :)

end of 2008

2008-12-31T00:03:00.002+08:00

it's gonna be the end of another year AGAIN!

WHat abt this year? I'm not too sure. Good or bad? I shan't comment. But i'm quite sure that i've had enough of the yellow ball. It's time to let go and focus on working towards my dream. Even if I'm not the one with the yellow ball, I still have a vision for the team and for the future kids who wants to be the yellow ball's commander but have nowhere else to show.

With this vision in mind, i wanna concentrate on my little business, pretty much "dead" at the meantime, but i'm very determine to bring flames and i DO believe in the products. Reason number one being that it serves as a good cause. If this business takes off, i intend to donate a certain percentage of my profit to organisations who fights for mother nature as well as those poor people.

However big is my ambition, I've gotta have customers but till this date, i have none. Quite demoralizing actually. But sop and I are gonna try setting stalls at bazaar and promote our product. It's probably the bad times. Let's be hopeful. Shall we?

This is a precious dream and I'm not gonna let go. I'm gonna try again and again. I don't believe in losing, only learning. Since next sem, i've only 4 modules and fyp, I've got a little more time to spare for this precious dream. Let's do it! If nike can make it big with just a swoosh, greenie genie can make it tooo! Gambate, sop!

not moving

2008-12-18T00:41:00.001+08:00

What if one day i wake up and find that nothing has been real all along?

it's here!

2008-12-10T21:09:00.002+08:00

After much suspense and waitings, The mysterious shop is unravelled at http://greeniegenie.wordpress.com/

Hop in and take a look at the earrings available!

Basically, this is a new concept shop selling eco-friendly and humanity earrings, mostly made of recycled materials and also from third world artisans who are depending on these to improve on their living.

Let these lovely earrings with humanity adorn you this Christmas!!

up early

2008-11-27T08:38:00.002+08:00

Been up since 8.

Time check now > 839

Recall the time lost between 8 - 839 > spent on surfing net

Conclusion > still not very gan jiong for the final paper

To be exact, i woke up at 745. And decided that since it's still early and those who are taking ens would still probably be pia-ing, so i decided to send out 8 sms-es out, wishing them all the best.

Bo liao right? "Wake up so early to wish me?" ..........kinda i guess.

yearn to fly far and high,
not knowing what's ahead,
tell me that the sky ahead would eventually turn blue and clear
tell me that it is near

yearn for the better and comfort
knowing that like the orange sky of the sunset
good things never last
tell me would this really last?

lost

2008-11-24T09:15:00.002+08:00

Exams are the times when i start to wonder and ponder on a lot of issues. What am i gonna do in the future? DO i really wanna work as an engineer? Am i really cut out for engineering position?

I'm not so sure. You see, u can manage this course doesn;t mean it suits u. Isn't this right? I'm losing my interest in this course, and most of the time, i do everything else except study. I hate memorizing for the sake of exam, i wanna learn for life, not for exam.

What are my passion in life? They say as long as you persisted ur passion as ur career, you'll be happy. DOes it really work this way? i mean, if ur passion is like ice-ski-ing and then u set up a company on that knowing there's no market here, you jolly well be prepared to eat instant noodle! haha...oh well, of coz that's crap. NO one in the right mind wld do this. lolz.

Sigh, i think i'm increasing becoming a systematic thinker, a successful result of this society.

What am i gonna do? Economy is plunging into high low. Jobs are dwindling everywhere, pay cuts, retrenchment. How can there be job vacancy when year 2009 arrives?

Challenging indeed. But I'm losing the air.........who can give me some air?

Worry comes with age. Different perspective does open up lots of windows but at the same time more worries. Uncertainties and doubts are the cause of irritation. It's time to take a step back and scrunitize externally.

control

2008-11-17T00:36:00.002+08:00

You dunno how to control one! Aiyo!

Ha---nah....i know i know....but i just don't like to spend my precious half a day studying. That's just me.....Relaxing, to me, is one of the key ingredient to study efficiently.

Shit Happens

2008-11-07T17:13:00.003+08:00

Human behaviour never fails to be interesting. It's as tho everyone is made up of several gazillion pieces of puzzles, waiting for u to solve and unravel the mystery involved. Everytime one piece fits into the other, it creates an interesting piece of story. A story on a tiny section of a person's character and way of thinking.

Everyone has a different way of thinking, even tho it might not be noticable, but it indeed exists. Disillutions are often fabricated to the advantage of a person. No matter how persistent and sure u are of the person's wrong-doings, the insistence of the accused would make you doubt your perspective for a moment.

Today you can be friends, but the next day the friend turns to a foe. Selfishness tends to create this scenario. Personal gain, personal achievement are often taken as priority and sacrifices on several values which our ancestors have attempted to pass on. Integrity, selflessness, respect. Times has change, circumstances are different. One can claim as such. But it is undenial that in this current society all these have slowly been eroded away.

Survival becomes an utmost importance to most. "I need to obtain the power to command and stand above you all!" Status and power, are these really so importance after all? Different perspective and way of thinking has resulted in different definitions of importance. Compromising sometimes seems to be at a disadvantaged. Ironically, being selfish at most times, produce a more favourable result.

The past few months of the exciting ups and downs have taught me that all things are grey, not absolutely white or black. However, it only boils down to appropriate or inapropriate. I can no longer blame a person for trying his/her very best and using all means to achieve his/her dream. Neither am i bothered by whether i'm wrongly accused. Ultimately, i'm very sick of trying to improve situations and yet at the end of it realising that i'm being sacrificed.

I can be a compilation of puzzles, but one thing wld never change, basketball will be one of my achievements.

Sometimes i wonder, am i disillutioned too?

Everything written above are fragments of my thoughts, messy and incoherent. FUck it!

(IN lay man terms, you give me shitz, i throw a pile of shitz on u!

Don't expect me to please you when u give me shitz to face. If u want respect, earn it fuckers! Call me bitch, by all means, but i noe i'm not! Ha-ha!)

a dedication

2008-10-17T19:12:00.002+08:00

A dedication to my beloved uncle:

"Cool Uncle", has always been my image of you. Your long hair has become the trademark in the family. When i was young and bad with names and address, i was always told, "Neeehhhh....the uncle with long hair lar......." when referred.

Were you still the long hair-ed uncle I've always known? Not having been back for 2 years, I do still have a vividly recollection of you. If i say i didn't love you at all, it's a lie. If i say i hated you very much, it's still a lie. Tell me, how could i? You are still the uncle who also painted my childhood.

I do still remember all the happy times, especially during Chinese New Year. You would buy lots of crabs, prawns and cockles, for a sumptuous seafood supper, and my dad would be the chef of the night, delivering mouth-drooling dishes one after another. In my memory, everyone would almost instantly dig in, with beer on one hand while chattering away. It was a competition, for those who were later would miss the chance of tasting more of those. After the dishes were gobbled up, the children would be either continue playing video games or firecrackers downstairs.

At the strike of twelve on CNY's eve, most of us would have been already preparing to buzz the neighbourhood with lots of firecrackers. "Faster, faster, twelve already!" as we urged for the crackers to be lighted up and rocketed into the sky. When we had run out of crackers, we would cram into your car or eldest uncle's car to tour around the town, to indulge in the beautiful scene of lighted sky. And by the time the fun ended, it would have been 2 in the morning.

The next morning, the humble cottage would be buzzling with life once again at about 9am. We, the children, knew that, you would always be the one to bring us for visiting. One after another, we visited many of your friends, and in our pockets, lay hills of ang paos. Coke, biscuits and all the chinese new year snacks would substitute lunch and dinner, including afternoon tea and morning tea. I remembered how you would interact with the hosts, discussing about business matters.

Sadly, it was always during CNY which I would see you the most. For most of the time, you would be tending to your business in the capital. And when you were in town, I couldn't see you, even for the last time. For once, i hated myself for not being able to do anything for you while you had been painting my childhood wonderfully. Across the ocean i am, but the feelings still pulled the distance nearer.

Thank you, thank you very much for your amicable smiles, the dialogues which frequently brought smiles to my face and the CNY visits. How i wish i could return now.

Rest in peace.

Regards,

Your niece in Singapore.

F.U.C.K

2008-10-15T23:14:00.003+08:00

Well done! I've gotta redo my 01 CA quiz. Thanks to the virus(es) which are in my pc, causing my pc to restart all of a sudden.

Nabey! Spent almost 6 hrs of trying to get rid of them by installing new adware removal application, running it together with my avg anti-virus for 4 times! Kanasai! 6 hrs man! Wad a fucking waste of my time!

I really hate virus(s) in all sense. First they attack my body immune system, and now they attack my beloved pc with all my proj docs inside. Walan eh..if my pc were to die on me, i will cry like mad lar! Imagine all my fyp docs gone......can't imagine anyway!

Some asked me: wah! Wad u download/surf?

My answer: Nth much. The only thing i remember downloading is this trial application which allows me to watch my fav show, so you think you can dance.

Probably from other docs which i received in my mails. lolz. Friends, beware, if i've recently sent u any docs, please scan your pc, in case the virus got to you. Sorry in advance.

Anyway, in the future, nono....from now, i'm gonna scan every documents i received, scan every fucking piece of thumbdrive before using and make sure everything that's coming into my system is not stained!

nabey! Damn angry! 5 hrs of quality time lost!

Enough said. 10 mins of ranting....time to get back to work, gotta sacrifice my beauty sleep again tonight. Kanasai....

this year's health

2008-10-09T18:57:00.002+08:00

This year seems like a year of bad health to me.

First, I had a finger fracture (hair-line of course).

Then, I've been sick for about a month.

Next, I could be having another hair-line crack on my shin.

Tada...what can i say? This year is the year which my purse bleeds the most with all these bills.

Probably I should really start to be meticulous and be cautious. Even though I might appear to be lunatic. LOL. No more illness, no more injuries please!

The Scorpio personality is a sign that has been studied for years.
The persistence of these studies have concluded on several traits the Scorpio possesses.
Among these traits are several positive qualities, which make this sign a powerful one in the world of astrology.

The Scorpio, which is considered the water sign is symbolized by the scorpion. Scorpio’s are strong, deep, mysterious, complex, and also secretive.
They love to unveil the mysteries of life, and are usually very emotional, often keeping their own deepest mysteries and trials to themselves.
Their emotions are often hidden or disguised by strength and motivation. One trait of the Scorpio personality is that of an achiever, striving to succeed, and do well in life.
They are often an influence of leadership and play important roles in the lives of people surrounding them.

Scorpio’s are determined and often very passionate, causing them to be exciting and magnetic to other people. In other words, they are extremely likeable for their intuitive traits.Scorpios are considered the most profound and intense characters in the zodiac.

They may appear to calm and self controlling, but in reality they are actually very emotional individuals. The Scorpio personality is unlike any astrologically designed persona. Although it is extremely powerful, without the persistency of their own self discipline, they are more susceptible to pain. And when there is pain present, Scorpio’s feel it like no other because they are so deep.

Scorpio’s are often very powerful in the lives of the people they know and love. Their traits can be used in extremely positive manors or the exact opposite. Their strong emotionalism can often be responsible for acts that are only beneficial to themselves. In other words, at times the Scorpio personality may show severe signs of selfishness.

The immense intensity that is shared by Scorpio’s can either be a good thing or a flaw, but can definitely prove to be an asset when times are hard.Often showing an extreme sense of calmness and stability, Scorpio’s are infamous for holding their emotions within. Thus, they appear calm and stable, but could really be ready to burst at any moment.

This trait can often lead to extreme actions and impulsiveness, which might be categorized as a negative trait.Scorpio’s are considered to be gifted. Their high striving minds are often incapable of accepting failure. Thus, Scorpio’s are often more likely to succeed in their goals and dreams. There persistence in achieving their goals is considered to be one of the many positive traits of the Scorpio personality.

They are often intrigued with finding a higher, deeper meaning for life.Scorpio’s prove to be excellent friends. They are loyal and committed to their companions and are often vital roles in the lives of the one’s who love them. They are also extremely passionate lovers, but tend to be more complicated in the world of romance.

The typical Scorpio believes in commitment and even marriage, usually only involving themselves with one partner at a time. Although, the Scorpio personality is one that will cherish the true aspects of love, they are more susceptible to receiving a broken heart because of their emotional traits.

How true?

final year of school life

2008-09-23T10:40:00.002+08:00

School is making me crazy and emo....I hate to be rushed and this sem i'm time and time again been rushed for projects when i'm Sick! And no matter how hard i try to recover, it juz lingers and it doesn't make anything better when my mind keeps being bothered by how many !@#$%^&&*&^%$#@! incomplete work i still have!

So I do what i'm good at. Think of nothing else but just sleep and play my heart out, hopefully by doing this, the sickness would go away and I would be able to concentrate on projects 100%! But aiya, deadline coming leh. How sia?

Anyway, i believe in my competency. haha! I noe some people don't but i believe i have some unbelievable strength within me.

I can make it happen if i want to, but some people just can hinder that. I'm so sick of all these. sigh. Alamak! But i'm truly glad that i'm on the road to recovery......yoohoooo! FInally, i hate being sick!

Ask what's within yourself
Ask what you should face
And not ask what you should run away from.

Face it and don't be a coward
For it disgusts people

Stagnant life

2008-07-12T00:54:00.003+08:00

I've not been updating. I know. And I know very clearly that updating here is only done when there is something in my mind which I do not know where to vent. Often, I would and always return to this page, reading my own post over and over again, chewing on the alphabets and ponder hard.

I've reached a crossroad junction in my life. It's either I turn left or right. So simple right? Only left or right wad.

But it's not. No matter how tough I used to think myself as, no matter how determined I thought I can be, the truth is laid infront of me.

Career-wise, I'm lost. What do you wanna do? The same qns pops out every now and then. NO answer.

Relationship wise, I'm confused. What do you expect in this? Lots of answers but conclusion? Blank.

Feeling life this way is a diversion. It's a blend cappucino without the usual dosage of sugar.

Make it right. Add in a tsp of sugar, stir and let it settle. Whatever it is, FIX IT!

First Collection

2008-04-26T09:21:00.002+08:00

Debut Launch of My Online Shop

For the ladies who loves to be unique, environmental conscious....

For those who love beauty with a touch of creativity....

This is a shop I've customised for all....

http://lespoir-shop.livejournal.com

:D

I've always wanted to do something like this. Explore beauty within unwanted materials. Transform unwanted things into art and appreciated pieces. Do a part for our vulnerable environment.

and earn some side cash to cover my expenses. Thus, the prices would be very low despite using swarovski crystals...and yes...those are GENUINE ones. :)

Don;t worry I'm not out to con anyone. :P

The profit I'm getting out of these are very low.....as I'm striving to provide affordable pieces to all the ladies out there.

random thoughts

2008-04-16T14:12:00.001+08:00

Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?
Have you ever wish it never occurred?
Have you ever wish that wasn’t you at all?
Have you ever wish it was a dream when you woke up?

Have you ever wish……………………….

Don’t tell what I should have done right.
Don’t tell me what I should have done.
Don’t tell me things would be alright later.
Don’t tell me how bad the situation is.

DON’T………………………..

I just wanna know what I should do next.
I just wanna know what I’ve done wrong.
I just wanna know what I can do the next time.
I just wanna know I can move forward still.

I just wanna……………………

LEARN WITHOUT LOSING MYSELF!

bday to the boy

2008-04-15T09:35:00.002+08:00

It's my little 'brother' 's bday today.

After my college years, we grew apart, seldom text each other for some reasons.

I would say, becoz of him and many others, college years have been greater and precious. A memory which I wouldn't wanna erase. :)

After all these years, I still don't believe all the nonsense he had said. LOL. Try harder again. :)

I might be naive to many people. But i do believe in giving second chances to others. Except to those who backstabs or betrays, I normally would endure and befriend that person.

inspiration

2008-04-02T11:15:00.002+08:00

I've travelled so far in this journey.....

I shouldn't have lost the sight...

I shouldn't have forgotten, even for a while,

All that I've been through.

Keep pressing on....

Backing down is an option NO More.

Malaysian Election

2008-03-17T11:06:00.003+08:00

The election has just passed and they are selecting the candidates to fill the cabinet.

This year's result seems promising but would this stay long?

Would it be possible to create meritocracy society in this country?

How long would the peace between the different races in the different parties remain before it's back to square one again?

Personally, i'm sceptical, really. Though this is a major first step, as it portrays in the election poll, it is still a long distant to obtain harmony and corruption containment. It would be hard to fuse the two different perspective from the two major races and reach a compromise.

Nevertheless, i'm waiting for the day to come. Ultimately, i still love Malaysia, despite everything.

blessed

2008-03-05T19:34:00.003+08:00

I'm really glad that i have friends who dote on me so much. :) Although some are not my very good friends, they really do look out for me, which i do really appreciate.

This makes me feel as though someone Almighty has rewarded me for all the bad experiences.

At this point in time, i feel blessed though i've not achieved my lifetime goal. My relationship with my siblings have improved, though for my parents, it's hard to tell. I've got a boyfriend who pampers me so much that sometimes i feel i'm the BIG bully. And to reiterate, dot-ty friends. :)

Perhaps 2008 is my year. Thank y'all!

i propose

2007-11-19T21:35:00.000+08:00

Anyone watched "i propose" on channel 5????

I just caught it!!!! It was so sweet. The guy, though with a tight budget of 2 Grands, planned a great huge date for his girl in 3 days!!!

2 Grands including the ring for the propose. Even though you might think, ' hey, wad a cheap yucky ring....', well, i think it's really sweet of him to actually plan and realise everything by himself in 3 DAYS!!!!! And oh....the ring was pretty nice after the customisation. :)

TADA!!! Who says engagement has got to be expensive to be romantic and touching? Wrong wrong wrong. This guy did it!

I think noone can imagine how desperate of me to get engaged. haha....women in this modern society strive not to get married when their age number still begins with 2. BUt for me, i can't wait. :P

I might jolly well be the first to get married in the family. HAHA. oh well.....engagement is good enough for me. :P

i remember i used to enjoy asking him when he's gonna marry me. And his reply everytime is " tomorrow". His logic? Think it's tml and it would come very soon. -_-""""

err....damn slow leh. haha...i gave up asking him. Instead i told him that i wld remain single till i'm 40!!! Bahahhaa....u think i will???? :P

Dunno......Shhh...dun tell u....:P

money for bebe

2007-10-24T23:36:00.000+08:00

gave up $$$ for a happy time. Although my pocket has a large hole right now, i prefer to be there. How can i disappoint him and myself on such a special day?

thank you for making urself free that day. Tho it's juz a small action, it does really makes me very delighted. thank you thank you so much. It makes me love you even more and i doubt if it would stop. :) smiles!!!!!

dazzling

2007-10-23T22:44:00.000+08:00

sorrow overwhelmes at times. why? i don;t even know.

sometimes i feel so sad that i couldn't even concentrate. why do i feel so beaten everytime? i feel like crying so badly and most of the time i do. It's not as tho someone else bullied me. But it;s juz me.

i feel so f*ked up and heck. I can't even find comfort in watching a movie. Wanna really talk to someone to feel better but seems like noone's free to accompany me through the night.

It's juz me again....alone here.

The supposedly happy day is coming but i dun feel it at all. I dun even care anymore........i just want myself and my life to go on.

yay~

2007-10-01T17:26:00.000+08:00

Contacts bought, contacts worn, everything is clear and distinct to me now!!!!

no more blur vision, no more strain to the eye, perfecto!!!!

After nearly 8 months, i'm going to cook my first dinner in hall again this semester. Why the sudden freetime? Aha...i'm fired again...from my tuition. Sianz, this shows one thing. Either i'm too honest and kind or i'm juz not suited to be a teacher. Who cares! My bebe is gg to feed me. hehe....but then that also means, i must really spend my money wisely from now on. :)

NO prob~

it's a blessing to have you. with you, bliss fills the atmosphere. there won't be one time that i would doubt it. doubt that the love is here with me. :) be with me forever, will ya? pls?

happiness?

2007-09-20T01:36:00.000+08:00

As i grow older, happiness seems further away.

When do i recall the last time that joyfulness comes from the heart? Without any worries or my mind occupied? When's the last time that i live my life the way i want it to be? When's the last time i truly smile and laugh because my life has been great?

As i grow older, mentally, i'm becoming weaker.

When's the last time i think optimistically instead of the worst? When's the last time that i could pick myself up after the fall immediately? When's the last time that i could tell myself i could do better and that i really did?

As i grow older, i myself slowly diminish into the shadow.

How do i get them all back again? Is it true that "what's lost is lost."?

Tell me. i really wanna give up.

Why do i always feel as tho there's noone there to catch me when i fall? Except myself?

Why do i have to expect someone to catch me from a fall?

Ironic it might seem but yes. It's a battle within me.

disputes

2007-09-09T22:22:00.000+08:00

It's been two days and i;m still brooding and thinking hard abt this, abt wad i've observed.

It goes like this.

A is easily affirmed to be the best player in our team and she so happens to be the one whom i ropped in. However on saturday i felt she was a changed person. A person whom i did not recall i had known. On that day, i felt she was an egoist. SHe flared up when i asked her nicely with a smile why did she look so lethargic.

I've been thinking....is there something there that could make her unhappy? Well, i reckon not. And when coach wanted to sub her out, she said: Why, i still can play wad. Qns mark, was quite stunned when she said that, but at that moment i brushed it aside, thinking that it might be juz a statement of frustration. After that when we had team talk, she rolled her eyes after someone mentioned something along the line of being positive attitude on court. Worse still, she threw her coke bottle on the floor after it was over and questioned me of my statement earlier on court. Attitude ah!

After much thought, i found that it kinda match the traits of an egoist. What gives her the right to flare when i reminded her tired appearance and hinted that it's not right? I recalled of not throwing a tantrum when i was told off for being lethargic during trainings. The old amanda wld probably said: is it? ok...i must jiayou! That kinda thing. But no! i wonder if it's juz her pms on the day or she has really changed. sigh....if that's so...it's gonna be disastrous for the team.

What would u do? Confront her and let her know? Well, i'm not sure if she can take that. Tell our cap and vcap or coach? hmm....wad if they think that i'm juz cracking all these up juz because i'm jealous? well? I'm not jealous tho i'm a little unhappy abt the little game time.

Right. If they think i'm just jealous, well, it's time that i shld reset my priorities.

Morever, i don't think i deserve to complain abt the little game time and feeling unwanted. Coz the ones who have such rights would be C and Y. If u complain abt such things, i think if i were them, i would feel like bashing u up. U're given game time yet u feel like shit? C'on....this shldn't be it, right? It's fight fight fight. Fight for the teammates, be alert and vigilant. Do your part and don't panic.

I'm not sure about the rest. However, it's starting to feel as tho wadever they have been telling, let's learn and do better, this kinda shit are appearing to be empty promises. Who actually remembers abt all these when they step on court? Since friendly till competition? Who actually do?

They really do have to prove that. Prove that i'm wrong abt all these! IF not, i wld feel disappointed and commencing on the thought that all of my effort are worthless.

At the meantime, i've gotta just try my best to improve on my skills, sharpen on those i'm good at. As such i won't be a failure to myself at least.

It's gonna be another night of nightmare again....

strange feeling

2007-09-03T00:08:00.000+08:00

Another weekend passed. And again weekday is here.

Every week i feel like i'm just living through a cycle. Trainings, school then weekend with my bf. All in singapore, the little puny island.

To me, my life currently is mundane. Another than my passion which i indulge in most of the time and my bf whom i love to be with, the others are just routines. Projects projects and more homeworks.

Even on weekends when projects no longer pester me, i do feel bored even with my bf around. It's not because i'm bored to be with him, it's the limited things we can do together. Every weekend, i wld crack my head on wad i wld like to do but i found none. I would love to travel, go for a backpacking holiday over the weekend, or mayb just a roadtrip. But........all these account for $$$. sigh.....everything's so expensive here. Petrol, car, air tix.

Stuck in this island with mundane life, i wonder how long more can i endure such lifestyle.

I sense animosity at times and i do not why i'm bothered by this. Why do i even bother to amend friendship when it doesn't exist in the first place? Why do i even care to know how well he/she is living now? Why do i even feel disappointed when i noe it wld eventually turn out foul one day?

But one thing i'm sure of. I treasure friendship too much, even acquaintan-ship. So much to the point that it backfires. I shld have known better to stick with friends i know i can trust. However, i thought i could trust this 'good fren' of mine.

I know i'm contradicting myself, this is who i am. I'm frank to the ones i consider friends but once again there are so many people whom i call friends.

Many times, i wish i could be a hermit, not involving in certain social 'ambiguoties'. I tried and i failed. Coz i feel bored without them around.

Often i think of ways to shield myself away from all these. Coz i feel sick of being "arrowed" right at my heart.

random

2007-08-31T00:07:00.000+08:00

Invictus ( meaning unconquerable) is my team now. And i;m really glad that i've got them as my teammates and dennis as my coach. Never mind about him being a SNAG ( sensitive new age guy ), well, i think he the best coach i've ever met. :)

And he's also partly our sponsor.

ViVa la "invictus"!!!!!

haha~

my latest hobby: Online window shopping~ Window, coz i'm completely broke.

But hey i juz gotten a tuition assignment which means more $$$$ coming in. heeez~ hopefully this tuttee of mine won't "dua" me. :)

money money money

2007-08-17T13:10:00.000+08:00

been progressing well with the invictus. Really glad with that and also the fact that deanna is back. cheerios~

However, i felt like i still cldn't contribute very much to the team during matches. This is which i'm most frustrated at. Why can't i juz dribble as per normal? why can't i juz shoot as per normal? grrr.......confidence level needs to be boosted up!!!

And this passion is costing me quite a fair sum of my fortune. Plus i've owed a dear friend of mine a total of 50 bucks. *cry. In addition to that, i've gotta pay another 50 for the jersey. OH MY! Total debt incurred = 100.

Have never been in a situtation where i wld be lost as to how i shld pay my debts. The only solution which i cld think of is tuition, which doesn't really take up much time and i cld have some spare time to do my studies. I do have an assignment at the moment but my tutee has always been busy. So as a result, i seldom get to teach and receive my pay.

I won't blame anyone for the situation i'm in. And i shall begin not to complain or whine as this is the path that i chose. I chose to commit into this team and i chose to have a fulfilling life with a passion. Well, everything comes with a price. This is the point in life where i shall start to learn to cope with stress, worries and try to resolve all hinders.

sigh. Sometimes it does come to my mind that why wasn't my family rich? Why wasn't there anough pocket money for me?

But after that i dismiss all these thoughts as this is where i can learn. My journey might be tough but it's a meaningful one. Something which i shld be proud of. Shldn't i?

I shall be tougher! :)

*wanted to upload photos but too bad blogger is kinda slow today.

right or wrong?

2007-08-05T23:12:00.000+08:00

It just occured to me----------what is right? and what is wrong?

right or wrong? How to define whether one's action and decision is right or wrong? based on perception? based on condition or situation?

How can i say wad ever i've done is right?

Right? meaning what? Satisfactory to myself or to others? Most convenient or favorable to whom?

Right or wrong. It's all up to people's opinion. Ain;t it? Perception by the generals? other than of coz evil doings are wrong and a incorrect answer to a fixed solutioned question.

Is a badly made decision wrong? A decision which unknowingly leads to a downfall of an organisation for example. Is this a wrong decision?

IF one thinks that the decision he or she makes benefits herself more but others think otherwise, is this what we called wrong?!?!?!

Oh my. why am i confused between such simple words?

friendly

2007-07-20T00:16:00.000+08:00

friendly match against pirates.

I was all prepared. Slept an hr before coming, told myself to be serious, no joking, no smilings, focused and concentrate. Don't let slightest praise, or anything else to distract my concentration.

I practised my shootings, my dribblings, warmed up and all geared up excited for the match. With everything sui sui, i tot at least this would be a good match, i shld be able to learn more from this match.

But all was juz a wishful thinking. I have always been prejudiced against esther. During the first quarter, esther had the first ball and she drived. Missed! Never mind, i told myself, mistakes are bound to be made. Second ball, drived again missed. Third ball, same! She was doing it again and again! Slowly all of my concentration came crumbling down. And it made me think. What were all those? What's wrong?

I know i'm not a very good player myself. I tend to be overly cautious during games and have sudden lack of confidence. But i do have to say this out. I might not be in a position to point at others and pick their faults, but i'm still gonna voice this out.

I realise that we have been giving in to esther too much. No doubt that she's good. But then she's not THAT good. What makes a good player? After much thoughts, i decided it's not only the individual skills, it's also about cooperation and team work.

Why do we have to always play according to her style? Is it just me who felt it that way? I felt it when we first played half-court with her. She's good. Yes, she has the skills. We've got much to learn from her. Yes. But do we have to play to suit her style just because she's better than us?

Where are all our plays? Isn't this our team? Not hers right? So in the future another better player comes, we have to accomodate and switch our play to suit her? She'll drive, we shld open for her. Let her do her thing. Is this really the right thing to do? Aren't we slowly losing ourselves?

She said she can't trust us yet. The same goes to me. I can;t trust her. How am i suppose to treat her as a teammate when she doesn't come down for trainings? From all her actions and stuff, i'm slowly admitting that she's full of herself, she thinks she's the best, when in fact she isn't.

She needs to learn to play teamwork games. But she nv come down for trainings. Does it really work everytime when she gets the ball and drives? No. It's not the only choice right? Like today, i was so disheartened whenever she got the ball coz i knew she's gonna drive, ignored us and missed the ball. I'm sure the opponents knew very well that she WOULD drive that's why they were ready to block her. It was so easily read!

I was so pissed off! Whenever i miss like 3 balls, i know sth is wrong. I shld readjust and rethink and reassess. BUT she didn't. She just kept driving and missing the shot when in fact if she had passed and wait, we might have got the shot. She totally treated us as air!

I was even more disappointed as noone pointed this out. And i didn't wanna say anything as i didn't feel any sense of belonging at all. It had dropped to absolute zero. I didn't feel i was part of the team. I felt i was playing someone else's game. Pissed, disappointed and worried. I was all affected and i felt that there wasn't any point of me playing as my mind had totally shut off and i was totally disgusted by esther.

This match was suppose to be beneficial. It wasn't at all! In fact i walked away with exhaustion, anger, disappointment and loneliness. I felt my effort was wasted, my time whisked away when in fact it might have been better if i have stayed, studied for my exam.

Where was my team invictus? Where was everyone?

Am i just thinking too much? Am i just too worrisome? Am i just too silly to think so much? MAyb i might have enjoyed the game more if i didn't observe so much? Am i to suppose to be oblivious? And leave things to others?

I'm seriously lost. And it doesn't help much by asking myself what to do, am i right or am i wrong. Coz ultimately i've never been able to understand myself too. I can only learn through others' voices.

I need to know if i am wrong in my judgement and opinions. I really hate this feeling and dislike myself even more at this point in time. sigh.

However, i was really happy that the presents were done and i felt the stay till 6am was worth it. They were so beautifully done and i hoped they would love their presents respectively. :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY FRIENDS MINH MINH AND JUD!

terrible!

2007-07-09T10:10:00.000+08:00

Terrible terrible! Wad a day to live through.

Loud noises and screamings in the morning. Fine, u have been doing that since dunno when. BUT WAD MAKES MY MORNING FOUL was ur complain abt the water. HELLO! I helped u boil water because i drank the last drop of cool water and i didn;t want u people to wake up with nth to drink. And furthermore lessen ur load right? For not having to go through the trouble. Couldn't u at least check the water cooler to see if it's filled before boiling more? And before scolding me for kindly helped u? Can't you show a little more appreciation that i'm really trying hard to please u? Now it really makes it worse for me to feel like helping you with the chores. Wadever i do is wrong. Why should i help when u always insist my way of doing things are wrong. y y y? Couldn't u at least talk to me before making such a big HOO HAA?

Why do u have to insist urself to be the one who's always right? WHEN YOU ARE WRONG, IT MEANS U ARE WRONG! The fact is there. Full stop! Why is it so hard for u to admit ur wrongdoings? Why do u have to always blame others for ur own wrongdoings? Before u insult, comment or scold others, can't u at least reflect upon urself?

I'm not your maid neither am i your son's maid. There's so much i can do and sometimes, i'm really very tired. I do have my own things to deal with during the weekdays. Your son is working, so he's very busy and tired. Being the GF, i should do his things for him! WHAT LOGIC?!?!?! Working is tiring, studying is not la? I have trainings also leh! It's not like u dunno. It;s as if trainings and studying don't use up energy. I'm really tired of you telling me wad a wife or woman should do. Wad kind of era is this already? Pardon me for saying this. Your son doesn;t have his own limbs ah? He's handicapped meh? Instead of always asking me to do this and that, couldn't u at least at times ask him to do his own chores? However much i tried not to feel like this, i do and it's hard for me to deny that i do really feel like i'm being treated like a maid.

Information is always relayed to us at the last hour. And u made it looks like it's our fault! It doesn't harm to inform us earlier right? If u want us to go? If u want others to treat you nicely, do the same thing back la!

AND YES! I really hate the boys. Rude and noisy. Insulted me somemore. Not the first time le hor~ And the grannies still smile smile and the parents look like they can't be bothered until my bf had to step in. I could be nasty if i can last night as i was already very irritated and pissed off. But i didn't think i shld. If u didn't wanna teach ur children properly why shld i bother? In the end it's not my loss anyway.

Oh well, perhaps the next time i shld scold him right infront of everyone like wad my dad usually does towards naughty kids. Sth like:

Excuse me boy! Do u have any reasons to back up wadever u said juz now? yes or no?

If the kid says no.

Then i wld say: Then say sorry now! U were being really rude.

If he doesn't,

I wld go like: Mother, can u teach ur kid properly? Ask him to say sorry!

FUcking hell! Kids nowadays really lack manners! And when a kid is rude and not well-behaved, it all reflects the parent's teaching. It's true. I'm not bull-shitting.

Another bad encounter was during that evening when we were in the first seat of the bus, where the two seats were facing each other and the one nearer to the door was higher. We were sitting at the lower one. Then a small girl came and kept jumping right infront of us. She accidentally stepped hardly on my bf's toe. Don't say sorry never mind. She still dared to turn back, smile gleefully and said: OH! I stepped on u!

Fine! Never mind! Throughout the journey, she kept kicking at my bf;s bag which was placed beside OUR seat. TMD! IF not becoz i controlled myself, i wld have screamed at her and pointed at her with my pretty middle finger. FUCKING SPOILT BRAT! The father besider her kept juz gently tell her not to kick BUT SHE STILL KICKS and the father still diam diam!

KIDS! I FUCKING HATE KIDS! I FUCKING HATE THIS SOCIETY MORE! Humans are getting more inhumane here. Developed country with high quality of life? Kiss my ass!

shopping~

2007-06-11T00:33:00.000+08:00

formal wear tml~

...............

so i went town yesterday to get myself a blouse. A darn blouse. Tried on many nice ones but none fit me. Either the shoulder part too small or the waist part too large. Then stepped into zara......and.....found sth which fit me perfectly. BUT $75! For a darn blouse? HELL NO!

Closed my eyes and shut my ears from the evil voice inside my head squeaking.....JUST BUY LA! NICE WAD! BUYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

ala...

From somerset we shopped, till taka, then wisma and tada! Another blouse! Perfect! And ka ching.......mission accomplished.

Next, accesories to complement the blouse. Bebe suggested a loud necklace coz my blouse is plain black, and since my pants are gg to be black too, that would complement well enough.

As such, bebe bought a red one from aldo for me. :) I'm a happy gal~ hurhurhur.

BUT i'm not wearing the blouse tml. It doesn't look good with my pants, makes me look like a waitress.

In the end, i'm not wearing the one which i painstakingly searching around and bought but my roomie's blouse. Grrrr........But ok la.....I'm still gonna be a pretty pretty demonstrator tml~ yay~ hehehe

Haiz, there goes the Half of the money i earned last week.

sad~

2007-06-09T09:28:00.000+08:00

I tot the day was fine.
I tot everything would be fine.
I wanna let everything passed fine.
It was just a wishful thinking.

Hurt,
Pain,
Sad,
Disappointed,
Confused,
Regret,
Dismay,
Was wad it felt like.

Keeping them till home,
Hugging with care till warmth,
Pour it out here,
Where only walls around,
Looking back at me,
With a rain in this little room.

Sometimes i wonder, and i envy turtles. Turtles do not flock together always and yet they live long. Sometimes i wonder, if there's truly someone who can really see to my heart. Sometimes, i wonder if it wld be better if the mask is back on again? Would it have been better? Would it have been alright for both? Perhaps, i'm really much different from all. Perhaps, i shldn't have bare myself, waiting to get slapped right on my face. Is this the only way? Masking myself, hiding the true in a dark corner? I shld have done so? Preventing the ever occuring pain. Preventing the hurt, u and me, both. Ultimately I should have never expect much from others.....who am i to judge?To expect others to understand?

Now i begin to wonder, do i really have a best friend? A friend who can see eye to eye with? Someone who would be there to share and understand? Someone who would tok things out when things didn;t turn out? Someone who would listen and forgive? Someone who would know me well enough to not make me feel this way? Someone would just be frank to me as well? Someone who would tell me directly and explain clearly when things were to go wrong? Is there really no such person at all?

All along i've been searching and everytime when i tot i've found, bathed myself with happiness, baring everything in me, the next time i know, the arrow is in my heart again. Every failure makes me wonder more, despising human with a colder heart. Are human animals ultimately? We are beast and most beasts only have their interest at heart. Not pointint fingers are anyone but this is wad i've seen so far. The road i;ve walked has been long and winding. Seen enough, experience enough to make me really wonder. Does the problem lies in me? Or does the prob lies in others?

I guess i would never know till i found that friend.

~ Love brings warmth and washes away any tears. I wish it could wash away the pain in my heart. ~

first day!

2007-06-03T13:00:00.000+08:00

have i ever mentioned i've gotten my confirmed tution assignment?
have i ever mentioned that i just had my first session?

oh well....luckily the kid is an obedient one. Skinny, soft and seems hardworking. Hope i'm right about this. Hope i;m judging the cover of the book correctly.

Chinese and maths are alright to me. BUt the problems is science. I realised that i've got a problem teaching science. ooopz! And i must remember to help my student buy his science assessment book. sigh. macam a mother now.

Yesterday went to popular bookstore, wanted to get one suitable one for him. And little did i know till bebe pointed out that those who were there browsing and intending to buy books were the parents. That suddenly made me feel like a parent too. ha! BUT no! i'm a tutor. :P

Actually i've got another assignment. This one is with a non-local kid, she's a filipino. Not sure if they would pang sey me coz i've not gotten any sms from the mother confirming the time and day of commence. hmmm.....

Let's hope they won't. :)

bebe told me yesterday that i've becoming more and more like a singaporean female. Shopping is his concern, he's afraid that i would be spending too much. However i don't think so. Perhaps it's only this period of time coz it's GSS! haha.....many that i've craved to get, i should get at this time coz sale ma...cheap cheap. :) true wad. BUt i've gotten my heels, to go with dresses which i've ordered from yx. Next is a skirt coz mine was stolen and i don't wanna claim it back. Damn er xin! Or i should get a sweater first? Mine was stolen too. Damned that thief, damn her. CUrse her to not get any job application till 2 years' time. Teach her a lesson for stealing clothes which i bought with the however little money i have had. Hmmph!

Basically that's all i need urgently now. Skirt mayb not. Mayb shorts would do. Anything short to go with the hot weather currently would just be fine. :)

the rest would have to wait till the later times. :) ciaoz. i'm gg out soon!

tell me

2007-05-21T11:30:00.000+08:00

finally a reply from a tuition agent. An assignment to teach a level physics in woodlands. Hope i do get it, i mean really assigned to me.

`All of us want to do well. But if we do not do good, too, then doing well will never be enough.- Anna Quindlen~

pox pox

2007-05-15T21:41:00.000+08:00

i think i look very much like the sponge bob square pants now. :( chicken pox chicken pox....Poof! How i wish, i can just vanquish them like that. sigh.....endurance test.

one week mc with absolutely nth to do in hall except, eat, sleep, read book, play pc game. :( even have to get friends to buy meals for me. such boring life. I'm really dismayed that i'm missing D1. It's fun actually and interesting but suay suay i kena chicken pox at this time. sigh sigh and more sigh.

feverish

2007-05-13T22:31:00.000+08:00

It's more xiong than normal school days tho i have been enjoying this module called model making. Xiong but exciting.

At the same time, i've been lacking in beauty sleep. My normal 9 hrs of sleep has been cut to no more than 6 hrs. Which i think is the reason why i slept more than 11 hrs yesterday and today on top of having a fever of 38.7 degrees, gastric and backpain.

This proves that 9 hrs of sleep is important to me. Although normal student survives well with only 6 hrs of sleep everyday, i can't. And if i do, i end up like how i am now. Feverish, limbs are numb, weak and dizzy.

Digressing a bit, i really dislikes the vietnameses here. Selfish, inconsiderate, noisy. I had to wait for them to finish washing their piles of dishes before i could wash my thermometer. What fuckers. Let me wash a while would take ur life away? ma de. I did ask nicely if i could wash first as they still had quite a lot of dishes to clean and i was feeling rather feverish plus my back was killing me. And the reply? " WAIT A MINUTE." What did i do to deserve to be snapped? I merely requested to rinse a small thing before i faint or collapse while waiting for eons for YOU to clean your chibai dishes.

what bitches they are. Not to mention one of them being caught red-handed as a thief. Actions speak louder than words.

shopping!

2007-05-01T10:15:00.000+08:00

saw this dress at phuture london. so darn pretty BUT the price was PHOOOOAH.......$138!!!! nowadays i don't have that much $$$ to buy this kinda pricy stuff le. haiz. i need a tuition assignment soon. any lobangs?

i need to save money for the future, money for my everyday thirst for food, money for medical fee ( often sick, damn it ), expenses on my aquarium, money for hall fees. Not to forget a lump sum of money to pay back when i graduate. So that's why i can't afford to spurge like i did back at the old days.

$$$$ in bank but i can't touch. Lest i wanna be a begger in the future. sigh....

i usually don't think $$$ as a prob till i see sth that i love so god damn much but i've gotta think twice abt those numbers in my account book. Nope, i don't wanna be poor and work my ass off to pay off future loans and debts. Nope. i don't want my husband to work his ass off to help me pay them as well. Nope. i don't want my family to suffer becoz of this. Considering all this, i would have to shut those temptations off and gleefully walk away.

However so, i'm craving for the middle eastern cuisine....yum yum. delicious....when's the next time i'm gonna taste it? hopefully this coming holiday.

Holiday? what holiday? next week wld be the start of eid. then it's intersem. fucking hell. it's like another school semester. Ntu, *shake head*, recalling what they said abt singapore, now i'm here for almost 6 to 7 years, i still feel cheated. Cheated to come to this HorriGible country where money speaks louder than everything. In fact materialistic is a characteristic here. many of those i met belongs to the same traits. Minority are not. And i'm quite glad that all these years here, i managed to get some of these minorities. :) that makes my life here a little better. And in recently years, a little nicer with the presence of my bebe.

hopefully it won't be like how an old friend described london. " Once you're here, you wouldn't wanna get out ever again. " Due to the main culprit, money! Good money means good life. what a delusion. I'll show one day that i can happy without being a millionaire. Money is the root of all evil, ain't it? But why can;t people see through it's evilness?

Hopefully i can get outta here. Once everything is paid off. And enjoy slow and country life somewhere else. A place where it's a great environment for children to grow up in, my parents to grow old in.

Now i might sound i'm done with my papers. But i still have a paper to go. E&S. Enginneering and society, a subject which is somewhat like GP and i hate it when i've gotta deal with current news. Newspapers to me are one sided and redundant to me. But knowing this, i still don't bother to read from the net. BAh, i'm just plain lazy.

Time to do some past years. Ciaoz! Hope you guys and girls, yes, those who had finished exam, had a great rest and fun before next week! :)

this feeling

2007-04-18T00:13:00.000+08:00

That's why i hate exam.

I don't think i'm that dumb but exam really makes me think otherwise. sigh....i screwed up the first paper. It has already been 8 hours since it ended but it still affects me greatly. Alright, partly of my stubborn-ness. i've always preferred drawing, thus i chose to attempt the drawing part, happily indulging in my world of analysing the qns(s), ignoring the time that has past.

Finally ' oh shit' , yea. Final 40 mins plus for me to do the last two qns. And i din;t even attempt the last qns. How wonderful is that? argh......35 fucking marks without any attempt.

Hopefully lady luck is there to help me pull through again.

2011, 3011, 4011. similar modules for third and final year. What shit have i gotten myself into?

:(

today's his bday and he's at home. while i'm feeling all angry and sad at the same time over an exam paper. A not-a-so-great day indeed.

torn apart

2007-04-12T22:08:00.000+08:00

many times i ponder am i being too nice to people? to the extent that i felt used and ignored. I do not know how i should react at times so.....often i tolerate and give in. Toleration has a limit and i feel i'm reaching my limit. one of these days i might just ignore our friendship and flare up. sigh......but another part of me says.......hush.....this is a bad move.

What am i suppose to do?

i've kept this thing inside for a long time. talking it out to my bebe and friend doesn't help at all. What can they do actually for remedy? The one who can change the situation is me. But i've tried and i've failed. It doesn't help at all. I still feel miserable. miserable in a place calls 'home'.

First to consider, my study. Second point to note, friendship. Both are important. I can't choose. I hate myself for being this way. Why can't i juz be nasty for once?

i can be nasty to other people easily, But i just can't towards her coz she's a friend, a good friend indeed tho many of the times, she pisses me off.

i'm torn apart mentally. Exam and THIS. :( i wish sometimes that i've listened to his advise.

recollection

2007-04-06T18:56:00.000+08:00

it's sort of the exam period's syndrome.

as usual, i'm starting to fall sick again..and it doesn't really help in making me better without my bebe around.

last night i felt so lonely that i had ZM over as a motivation for me to study. And it was fun indeed. i cooked dinner for her AND lunch this morning as well. Haaa....hope those meals don't taste horrid. :)

arh well....we decided to wake up at 8+ this morning to study BUT hmm.....in the end it was 10 when i woke up. Turned around and saw that piggy girl still sleeping and it took me several shouts to get her attention away from her sweet dream. Gosh.....must be because my room is very cosy...weee~

was left all alone again after she left for home in the afternoon. feeling sick and lonely, i had a nap which didn;t really help as i still feel the same way. Thus, i did wad i always do when all fails. BLOG HOPPING. read a few blogs, many are those whom i have seldom contacted or rather didn't try to.

somehow when i read about their lives, a recollection of the past came gushing in like a flow on rapids. i remembered the many carefully, delibrately mistakes that i've successfully accomplished ( most of which i regretted now) and the teenage naive things that i;ve thought and done. e.g. attempting to club whenever i have extra cash on hand and being a bitch in some ways. BAH.....who hasn;t gone thru these before. All these mould me to who i am today. and all these led me thru many accounts and consequences, the teary nights as well as the joyful nights. These are part of the beautiful memories that i really cherish tho i can;t deny that i really hope some of them to disappear from my memory.

Nonetheless, this is me. and All these had influenced me, made me learnt in a hard way and thus maybe perhaps so.....i've friends whom i can called as true friends FINALLY. and not to mention, a dearly lovely sweety boyfriend who cares and loves me for who i am.

However, i'm regretful of many childhood friends who had become distant since my arrival in singapore. They had been great during that times and helped me pulled thru a lot of unhappy events. I tried, and tried to pull the distance closer but no matter how i tried, i felt like a stranger among them. Left out was the word. They did try to involve me in the conversation but many of the times, i wished they had leave me alone.

All these good friends had sneaked away from my life.....and i, watch silently, not knowing what to do.

I used to ask myself why. WHY? and i came up with these reasons : perhaps i've never been close to them as i used to think i was. Mayb i've never been that significant in their lives. To them, i'm remembered as the girl who used to be one of the top scorers, the girl who used to be laugh happily and loudly, the girl who was so happy-go-lucky and the class rep who tried to cover many of their 'crimes'. Or perhaps the girl who has always been naive and innocent? i can't only guess, had never bothered to find out.

But what i'm very sure of is that mostly only remember me as the girl who was smart and good in study. *shrugs

To me now, my home country is left as just a place where i enjoy staying in. An empty place where i no longer have my childhood friends but recent friends who befriend me for the wrong reasons.

Nevertheless, for some reasons, i still miss that place so much. Tho i know i would wanna get out of that place after some days in there for the empty feeling i feel.

exam stress always never fail to make me remember and chew on the past. The bitterly sweet past.........

i miss my love tho it's only been days since the last time we greet(ed) each other good morning and goodbye.

injuries

2007-03-16T19:24:00.000+08:00

yesterday seems like a bad day for me.

At the first part of my training, i strained my left hand muscle. assistant coach told me to stop and have a rest. He said i might not be able to continue training with them for the rest of the night which saddened me coz i really really love training. Oh well, i was scolded by my friends for value-ing training far more than my life. Which is kinda right, i deserved to be scolded.

And then when coach asked me to help him demo a play, i sprained my knee while i was getting up. :( and now it's swollen as if stung by a bee. It not very painful, but it has a constant nagging pain plus my entire left leg feels numb as if it's gonna be paralysed.

my friend who had a knee injury before advised me to go for an x-ray coz he said i'll never know if there's anything wrong with the knee tissue or sth. The way he said it sounds very serious and scared me very much. i really do not wish to stop playing ball right now at this super young age. 20+ is the golden age for bballers. how could i stop at this time?

So i decided to ask my assisstant coach for advise. And he told me to rest a few days, lots of rest and stop playing sports for 2 weeks. By then it would heal.

BUT i still don't feel safe. Should i go for an x-ray still? The fee is crazily high for a foreigner like me but on the other hand, i'm a student so probably it's still not that ex. However, i was told that i might have to go for MIR if x-ray shows nth. And MIR costs a few hundreds!!!!!! :(

i'm in a dilemma.

i've gotta save $$$$ for bebe's bday. and i still couldn't save till the target sum yet. :(

looking around for a tuition lobang at the west but seems like it's rare. sigh. i hate it when i feel empty in my pocket.

new tank

2007-03-14T23:27:00.000+08:00

i've got a new tank!!!! black in colour with black gravel!!!! :) i've got a coconut husk with the anubia and the java moss sitting on it plus two small anubias for the flora in the tank. bebe just ordered christmas moss for me and i juz can't wait to put them in. heeez....I LOVE christmas moss. pretty pretty moss.

hope the casualties would decrease after i shift entirely to the new tank. :)

life basically now revolve mainly around me and my love and of course a part on sch and friends. School has been fun with them around and life after school is wonderful with my love by my side.

all these encourages me to drill harder into MP2007. not to say exam is coming in a months' time. *sweat

new google acc

2007-03-07T23:23:00.000+08:00

i;m forced to upgrade to google acc. wad's the diff? i prefer the old one actually...grr...

and i've finally figured out line integral after a week or so of staring at the lecture notes. One down two tutorials more to go! gambate!

i'm actively looking for tuition assignments actually. Needa find some cold hard cash and have some huge savings for my future plans. :) anyone who have any lobangs to any kinda job which appeals to me, thanks le bro and sis, get my attention pls.

delighted

2007-02-07T18:54:00.000+08:00

i'm so thankful that i've found 'mercury'. They are committed and serious about training. finally i found a team that i;ve always wanted to be in. :) cheers!

neglectful

2007-01-15T22:40:00.000+08:00

hateful school days are back...8.30 lessons for 3 days, 9.30 a day and 10.30 the next. especially hellish when u wake up and find ur roomie cosily snuggling under her blanket and sleeping sweetly. at that moment, almost instantly ur mind is being influenced, telling u that ur bed is much better than listening to lousy lecturers blabbling some cheem stuffs that no matter wad u don't understand. worse still, diagrams on transparencies are so bloody god damn small that every time u strain ur eyes trying to make out the tiny little letters and words, ur brain energy is exhausted by 30%. whichever the case, going back to wonderland seems more of an attractive choice.

BUT U JUST HAVE TO DENOUNCE ALL THESE AND CONVINCE URSELF THAT LESSONS ARE BETTER THAN SLEEPING. just because of a piece of paper which claims that it can guarantee ur bright future.

just did a two tutorials and then i realised it's around 9.30pm! omg. no more dinner at canteen. only instant noodle packet within reach. plastic dinner again. unhealthy unhealthy.

as i was having dinner alone only with music from other people's itune accomanying me, i browsed thru blogs. friends and acquintances. happy for those who found their true and one and only love. giving best wishes to those who are having downfalls. hope tml wld be another bright and hopeful day to them again.

while browsing, i recall these few days. the small bickerings that we had, the short cold war that we had, the many sad and hurtful things we have said and done.

for the past few days i haven;t been myself. impatient, quick-tempered, ignorant, SILLY. i don't deny that i've thought of sth which i shldn't have at all. i was not understanding enough to giv in when tiredness befalls you. was not patient enough to explain things. i was at fault for not able to be sensible enough.

sigh.

sorry bebe.

dazed

2007-01-05T09:30:00.000+08:00

somehow i feel as if i'm living in a messed up and confusing life right now. *shrugs

sigh

2006-12-21T10:32:00.000+08:00

Christmas is coming. The atmosphere is everywhere.

BUT i'm broke! no $$$$. :(

went to take vaccination for hep A and B and these cost ard $100++ including blood test. no doubt it's good to take the vaccination ASAP coz i love to eat seafood especially clams, BUT i din noe it's this ex. if only i shld have known earlier, perhaps i wld take it next month. boohooo.....bo lui. lui lui lui...mana wu lui?

and bebe's pay hasn't come in yet. so officially both of us are broke! can't do anything. stay at home and tian mimi.

forgetful

2006-12-12T07:00:00.000+08:00

wad a lousy person i am.

keep forgetting dates and dates. wad i'm suppose to do on a specified date! especially IHG. since my ic went for hols, i can remember wad day is IH training, that i'm suppose to contact the players for their training times, look up for the IH dates and times. alamak! such simple task yet i screw everything up. oh well..not me exactly.

it shldn't be me fixing up dates and times and place for the trainings. it shldn't be me LOOKING for MORE players. all the more, I SHLDN'T FEEL SO BAD FOR NOT HAVING A FULL TEAM right? it's not my fault anyway, whos the IC?

bebe keep telling me not to worry so much coz it's not my job anywayz. serene said the same. but then i juz feel not right abt this. that i'm suppose to make things right. but i keep screwing things up.

today suppose to have training but then i told sab that training on wed. omg. wed is match already leh. and how come noone sms me abt training except sab. i tot she mixed up the date. but apparently it's me. sigh...

this ih is so screwed up. and i'm so f**** frustrated.

y do i still keep forgetting things. stop being so blur. *sulk

fucking irritated

2006-12-05T10:04:00.000+08:00

this IH is making me puke blood again.

wad da fuck manz! 5 main players? and no reserves currently? sure play till die one la.

BUT again, i saw the fixtures. against hall 7 and 2. can win meh? with 5 xiao mao? hA?

only had one training. and that training only see the familiar face. how the fuck would i noe if the rest wld turn ard and run away and leave only mayb 3 confirmed players? like that play for fuck!

tmd. so damn angry. mayb it's not her fault but then she's the ic man. mayb it's bcoz of the scrapping of the HAS system. mayb ppl juz can't be bothered anymore to join. wdf. im beginning to regret being the captain. zi zao ma fan! as if last year i hadn't puke enough blood. this year wanna puke somemore.

disappointed and more disappointment. like my friend said, life is full of disappointments! indeeed, especially when it comes to hall and school. KNN! can't there be a year when i don;t have to puke blood anymore? and smile all the way though the team is a lousy one yet full attendence?

i realise that i only blog when there's sth to complain. hahaha...anyways, other than things which makes me angry, irritated and disgusted, i'm basically living in a lovey dovey life. >.<

exam over over

2006-11-24T11:17:00.000+08:00

tell me exam is nth but letters and numbers.
tell me that nothing is more important than what i think it is.
tell me i can do this.
tell me i can pull through this exam and everything wld be alright.
tell me i'm not as dumb as i think i'm beginning to become.

no matter how i hard i pursuade myself, everything becomes less convincing to me. :(

i wish i'm in another place.

what oprah winfrey said abt men

2006-11-24T11:11:00.000+08:00

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behaviour.
Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.
Slower is better.
Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve
then heck no, you can't "be friends".
A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
Don't settle.
If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
Don't stay because you think "it will get better."
You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women.
He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant,
why would he treat you any differently?
Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. I
f something bothers you, speak up.
Never let a man know everything.
* He will use it against you later. You cannot change a man's behaviour.*
Change comes from within.
Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...
even if he has more education or in a better job.
Do not make him into a quasi-god.
He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else's man.
If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
All men are NOT dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two Way street.
You need time to heal between relationships...
there is nothing cute about baggage...
deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship
You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...
a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...
look for someone complimentary...
not supplementary.
Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
Make him miss you sometimes...
when a man always know where you are,
and you're always readily available to him - he takes it for granted.
- Isn't this TRUE!!!!!
Never move into his mother's house.
Never co-sign for a man.
Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.
* Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

true? opinioned? But i believe it's true for most guys. oh well...

fucking disgusting

2006-11-17T12:17:00.000+08:00

paper started and ended with a BANG literally. one look at the paper before attempting, BANG, jialat, cannot do. " Put your pens down" BANG! fail already.

from 1 to 4, all qns looks familiar yet completely un-doable to me. have i gone stupider? it's as if, someone has juz removed all that i've xin xin ku ku memorised and understood away from my brain. erased and gone! wdf.

wad happened?????? this is by far the worst paper i've ever had in my life. LESS than 20% of the paper completed!!!!!! isn't that a 'confirm fail' paper? i;ve nv nv nv nv in my life completed less than 50% of any exam papers!!!!!! i feel so dumb, stupid. so disappointed.

angry or sad. cry or let out the temper? i dunno. i;m so god-damn helpless now.

if uni is free, i would not hesitate to repeat this sem again. regardless i'll pass onot. i would go to the dean and say, i wan to repeat year 2 sem 1. tho my result might not have any red markings. i hate it when i cldn't do any exam paper. i feel like i've learn nth AT ALL!!! defeats the purpose that i'm here. argh......

how man? how how how? wad da fuck was the lecturers thinking? setting such difficult papers with lots of formulas and theories to memorize and yet expect us to do? we aren't robots. CCB! closed book somemore.

sigh.....2 papers down. nth to be happy abt. both sucks like fuck. now i truly truly hate ntu. now i can understand y ntu ranking has been dropping. students are getting more and more demoralised each academic year.

exactly like how i;m feeling now. helpless, lost, confused and uncertainty of emotions.

everything's gray, gray gray fucking gray. blue sky? where? i don't see it. all i see is gray........a shade of black.

zzzzz...sleeeepy

2006-11-13T15:30:00.000+08:00

don't sleep, don't sleep......WAAAAAAAAKEEEEEEE UUUUUUUUUUP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT wo hai shi xiang shui jiao.....

shui ba shui ba......zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

15mins later.

hai shi xiang shui jiao.......:(

bad bad daY!

2006-11-11T12:49:00.000+08:00

bad bad day!

first up was the MP2012 project presentation. our mechanism failed on us. none of the balls went in when we were presenting to prof. I thought he seemed unimpressed with our mechanism for it being bulky and less attractive. oh well, true enough he said ' if he were us, he wldn't have chose to make this.' We were juz being more challenging and not plainly juz do a simple job and be done with it. He wasn't very mean towards us but he clearly had successfully further dampened our mood. i felt really lousy when it failed and ever more when he said that.

was feeling bad for not staying over with them the previous night. heard that they had been adjusting the mechanism the whole night. But i really couldn't. i would be having the spanish oral the next early afternoon and my period wld be coming as well. predictably around these few days as i had been having symptoms all along.

true enough, it came after the presentation and there came hell. i hate periods! why do i have to suffer like this every month??!?!?!? grr........

predicting that the grade for the mp2012 wld be damn low. but i'm getting over it. it's nth compared to self-achievement. we had successfully overcome the challenge we set upon ourselves on top of that instructed. nvm that it didn't work yesterday. we don't need others' recognition, do we? as long as we learnt something, it's gold to us!

then came spanish. failed grades for listening compre and portfolio. it's ok. it's alright. i told myself. juz ACE the oral part. as usual, i was super duper nervous but when the whole thing was over, the whole class clapped and the professora said " muy bien!". another self-achievement. we only had almost around two days to prepare for it. my partner had been busy and i was the same as well. but we did ACE it. hopefully the grade is A as well. :)

everything comes in pairs eh? nvm that i failed my portfolio, listening compre, presentation, i did feet that i achieved and learned a lot.

and now, i juz hav to forget the unhappiness, unsatisfactory of yesterday and look towards tomorrow. nth is more precious that gaining experiences and lessons. i shall learn how to view grades as juz merely numbers. although it does contribute significantly towards my graduation cert. but i still strongly believe that as long as i'm able to understand wad's presenting infornt it me, and not juz plain memorising and half-understanding, i can ace any qns they giv me.

I WANNA BE A BETTER PERSON!

LET'S GO EVERYONE! let's work hard. forget abt any failures we had encountered, work towards the future!

let's go go gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

happy day!

2006-11-01T18:43:00.000+08:00

yesterday was the day! :)

BUT yesterday was also my 'dropping things' day. wadever i'm taking from wherever the thing is, something beside it wld fall. sigh...and my quiz didn't turn out well.

went dinner with jolene, an old friend since back in presby. we spent quite sometime in can 13 catching up and remembering the old times, talking about how we have changed during these few years. it's nice meeting her again though she still likes to tease me, but i'm alright, just laugh it off. she's now in this hall too but i seldom see her due to our own commitments.

after dinner, i rushed back hall as bebe had returned! :) AND guess wad he brought along? AN AQUARIUM!!!! OMG...my jaw dropped when he showed me. WHAT a BIG BIG present!!!! bebe is such a sweetie.

slowly, we set up the tiny ecosystem on my table completed with some koi-liked mini fishes, two water plants, filter system, a small lamp, two prawns and three water snails. watching the swimming creatures among the plants is such a joy....awwww....so touched.

without much surprise ( i heard some suspicious footsteps and whispers ), my roomie and the rest exploded the birthday song at my doorstep. to a great surprise, Harold, sherry and bf and serene came as well....that i didn't expect at all! this birthday makes it feel so special. Thank yeeeeeeeeew everyone altought in the end i had cream from the cake all over my head. :)

and of course, my second sis called and wish me, eldest sis wished me over the msn and bro send a sms which only said : " H B " -.-

anywayz, i half-thought that my roomie forgot. But it turned out that she didn;t, instead she collaborated with so many ppl. hahaha......

many of those whom i haven't contacted for a long time sent me wishes over the net to my surprise. :) thank you sooooo much. makes me feel that i actually existed.

with the new tank on my table, i can;t resist looking at the lively ecosystem every now and then. i can't help but keep feeding the fishes. is 3 times considered too much? i dunno. i hope not. the temptation is just too great. it's an addiction to watch them snap up the food in juz a few seconds. :P hahaha.....i'm so proud that i've got an auqarium. hehe.......

oh yes! sop and the rest bought me a nice nice top though it's too long....( that's the prob of being too short. *sulk )

overall, i was very joyful and still am now! kekekekekeke :D

stingy

2006-10-17T13:30:00.000+08:00

aren't schools suppose to take care of the students welfare?

so....

y aren't hostel lounges switch on the air-cons earlier....when the condition of the haze seems to be worsening?

y aren't there online lecture recordings for every core modules? so that students who are affected by the haze could still catch up and rest well instead of worrying abt not attending lectures, deteriorating health?

i have headaches more often now...and each time, it seems to prolong....and i sleep more and more now...on top of the approx 8 hrs of sleep that i have normally. am i gg to be turned into a vampire by the haze?

i can no longer do my tutorials, attend all my lectures, catch-up with those which i hav lagged....

thanks to haze! sigh.....i now truly worry for my exam.....

nonetheless. i would still rest more even tho i noe have lots to catch up....i rather feel healthy than to feel sick for exam.

electric is utterly disgusting...it's certainly not my cup of tea.

boo~~~~~~ i hope the hazy hazy-make-me-dizzy days would go away soon....never mind abt the sun, the hot and bright sun which i hate and grumble about, let the oxygen comes back....don't deprive us of oxygen. and hope indon STOPS burning precious forests!!!!!

indon and the world must wake up.......we are killing ourselves....:(

fucker

2006-10-12T00:17:00.000+08:00

laundry bucket also wanna steal!

curse and swear at the fucker who commit the fucking dumb crime!!!!!!!!!

don't care if unintentional or intentional...so long as my bucket is not back in laundry room, i'll curse u to have rashes every day from this every minute....

fucking hell.....my bucket which has been with me for more than 4 years already....and then pitifully kena kidnapped by one fucker juz like that....

fucking angry manz....nth to steal come steal my bucket.....grrrrr..................

I Believe

2006-10-09T23:23:00.000+08:00

a song that i find meaningful somewhat:

I Believe - YOLANDA ADAMS

They said you wouldn't make it so far a a
And ever since they've said it its been hard
But never mind that night'cha had to cry
Cause you had never let it go inside
You worked real hard and you know exactly what you want and need so believe
And you can never give up
You can reach your goals
Just talk to your soul and say

[Chorus:]
I believe i can
I believe i will
I believe i know my dreams are real
I believe i'll chant
I believe i'll dance
I believe i'll grow real soon and
That is what i do believe

Your fools are just's singing, your soul aha
And you know that your moves will let them show
You keep creating pictures in your mind
So just believe they will come true in time
It will be fine leave all of your cares and stress behind
Just let it go
Let the music flow inside again the pain
It just start to believe

[Chorus]
[Rap passage]
At third my yet what people say
Hold your head high and turn away
With all my hopes and dreams I will believe
Even though it seems it's not for me
I won't give up, i'll keep it up
Looking to the sky
I will achieve on my knees
I will always believe
[2x chorus]

:)

despair

2006-10-09T17:17:00.000+08:00

when can i ever be less forgetful, less careless, less impatient?

so hard to uphold my moto during this time of the term in a MERITOCRATIC NTU. this school is driving me to the edge of desperation.......

i really hope i can reach my expectations when i graduate from this place. i do not wish to graduate from here having an empty brain, blurred image of the 4 years here and waste my precious $$$$$$.

BUT it's so hard not to care too much abt the grades here......expecially with the ever-changing f**** up system.

something which i constantly hope for even since i step into this school : to tio toto or have lucky lady smiles on me or to have a rain of $$$ on me...so that i cld be able to get out of here as soon as possible in every ways possible....yet having a wonderful certificate in my pocket.

there's no such thing as a fullstop now......blame it!

desperation

2006-10-04T10:40:00.000+08:00

It's not a matter of probability, not a matter of possibility, it's a matter of determination and perserverance.....

what might seems hard could turn out just fine....

shldn't worry that much, shall i?

a rocky path it might seem, a path to conquer.....a challenge i shall take. Hails! i would and i must!

flashback

2006-10-03T04:46:00.000+08:00

can't sleep.....stomach is cramping like mad.....feeling sleepy yet cldn't fall asleep, here i am...browsing thru my friends' blog and checking on how they have been doing lately....

stumbled across a blog which belongs to a 'friend'. the reason for the inverted commas is that i don't even noe if he's a friend anymore. we are not in any contact anymore and he just suddenly seems vanished into the thin air....not hearing anything from him, not getting any response from him for the smses that i used to type.

often, after reading his entries, i kinda don't feel that he's doing well now....can't help but feel worried for this 'friend' of mine.

sometimes i feel that i worry for people too easily.....even if they are just acquintances................

i;m starting to drift away from my friends....or rather used-to-be-good-friends. due to sch work, commitments and other things. OR mayb i've never been closed to them in the first place? all these good friends whom i used to call......no longer contact me, and i no longer sms them every now and then catching up on each other lives. the best i can do now is dropping by their blogs and reading on how they are doing........

sometimes i wondered, how many true friends do i have ACTUALLY? truthfully speaking, i've no idea. i know lots of people.....i have a long lists of contacts in my msn...but how many of them are my FRIENDS who really care abt me? i wonder wad if one day i;m gone from this world, how many wld actually feel my absence? how many?

i always go an extra mile to help those whom i noe, acquintaces or friends....if it's within my capabilities. but i don't feel likewise when i'm really in need of help.

frankly speaking.....if u ask me who in my mind would rush to me when i'm in trouble, the first person i cld think of is my bebe, then followed by yx, yr and gang. other than my family of coz.

if u ask me who can read my mind like a sheet of paper, i can only think of bebe......

throughout my lives, friends come and go.....who actually stayed? those whom i attempted to hold on to eventually drifted away.......when i occasionally meet up with them, the feeling is so strange that i wld be tempted to get away....they make me feel unwanted and unwelcomed....the smiles on their faces, to me, seems like a mask. they seems like they care, but i doubt they wld remember wad was discussed after an hour.

that's why most of the time i prefer to be alone...talking to my bebe, spending precious time with him and understand him more so that he won't feel wad i used to feel.

it's easy for me to noe people...but it's not easy for me to make and retain friends...i'm tired of trying.....so let nature takes its course.....

sigh...so much is going thru my mind now......and i noe i must sleep now coz my first lesson is 9.30 later in the morning....argh...i wish bebe is here....so i cld just watch him sleep and fall asleep myself eventually.......thinking only of him and the wonderful things that have happened between us since he found me.

i marvel at how i'm able to reach this point of my life...i marvelled at my own eccentricity...i marvel at how i view people now.....am suddenly surprised at how much i've changed all these years bit by bit.

crazied

2006-09-19T19:14:00.000+08:00

been a bit too hot-tempered, a bit too quick-tempered, a bit too impatient, a bit too anxious this semester. have been offending some of my friends, i felt due to my incompetence to deal with this sudden rush of stress all of a sudden. sigh....i'm slowly turning into another me whom i don't even know at all!!!!

forever running after the lectures, forever rushing through my works and projects, forever not getting enough sleep, forever not eating breakfast. uni life is slowly changing my temper, turning it worse.

not to say i don't even have time for friends, i don't even have time for trainings. been losing way much muscle mass, which is unacceptable. feeling weak and fragile is what i am now. i could no longer move as swift, no longer agile, no longer quick-thinking......no more.....i feel as if i'm turning into a potato soon....or maybe a marshmallow....

................................................

i hope everything wld be better after the recess week......( fat hope ) sigh......

peace?

2006-09-15T01:17:00.001+08:00

not sure if the cloud is cleared and the prob solved. But at least i can feel that this time, u apologised and without half-heartedly. at least now, i won't be in a dilemma state which makes me miserably sad and confused, unfocused.

i can feel the blue days are back....but even so, i've never stopped loving u.....

peace?

2006-09-15T01:17:00.000+08:00

wad's the prob

2006-09-14T02:26:00.000+08:00

sigh..i do not noe wad to do.....

i've been editing, deleting, re-writing this post for over three times already. my mind is in a mess and i do not know wad i shld express here.

i do not want u to feel unhappy...in fact i hate it when u feel angry....whether or not it;s becoz of me. i wld feel that everything's my fault and like how u wld feel, i feel like a thrash, useless, just a black heavy plastic bag. nothing of value, only things which people are sick and dislike of.

haiz...so many things that i wanna bring across to u. but when it comes to the time for me to express, i'm lost in how i shld bring it out in a way that u wld not feel angry.

haiz......wad da heck....i'm unable to write any further.....

alive

2006-08-23T18:40:00.000+08:00

in case u are wondering where have u been all these weeks?

yep....i'm back in singapore in hall now. still alive and well and depriving of sleep.
terribly busy with sch, tutorials, projects and the same usual stuff AND my bebe.

ciao, time to do some drawing and colouring.....

sleepless

2006-07-07T03:19:00.000+08:00

When everyone is tucking comfortably under their blanket, i was tossing on bed, reading and deleting messages in my hp.

i can't sleep....after much attempt. sudden sadness overwhelmes me and tears uncontrollably flow past my cheeks. 7 to 8 months ago, i won't believe and never wld think of the day i wld feel so bad for leaving singapore till now. i'm not even out of singapore yet and i'm feeling horribly already.

i guess i'm slowly changing into a silly silly girl.

bye...for the moment

2006-07-07T00:41:00.000+08:00

bye...for the moment.

i'll be leaving this piece of land soon...on sat morning. wld be moving all my luggage to sis's place first coz i've gotta pack some of the things sis bought to bring back home. by sat early morning i'll be stepping out of sis's place, most likely standing in the mrt to kranji, then sitting on bus 170 to johor bahru custom, stepping out of this island and taking a cab to the airport. fidgetting in the small and jerky budget airplane for 2 hrs before touching down in miri where dad wld pick us up and tada...we wld be on our way back home....Brunei....my growing up childhood place.

BUT i'll be leaving a piece of me behind, my bebe.....my sweetie. my home....home is where bebe is now.

3 weeks, yes, it's a short period of time. BUT not when u wld be missing someone and longing to see his smile again the next day. however, i'll be bringing all our precious memeories along with me, reviewing them again and again....till i see ur smile and into ur open arms again.

bebe...wait for me k....

such a delight to be called urs. such a delight to have u beside me. such a delight to be able to love u.

look inside ur heart, as i wld look inside mine...in search of the heart, the heart where i belong and u belong too in me, whenever u miss me as i wld too. i'm always there. home it is.

love

2006-06-29T01:14:00.000+08:00

where is my da xiong xiong. he said he wld be online but he hasn't come online after much waiting. :(

where is my bebe?!!?!?!?! must be sleeping...hehe....

can't help but think of you. to keep that coming, i just have to basically stone and slp. :)

surprise!

2006-06-29T01:10:00.000+08:00

initially i just wanted to delete away all the old posts. after i've deleted a few of them one by one, i realised, hey, there are so many of them, why not just delete the whole blog and create a new one?

so...here it is. completely new except that it's at the same old URL. :) hehe....

no archives available yet. so the process of posting wld be faster. yay!